Happy Fricken Valentines Day

The Mourning After

Life fucking hurts sometimes.

A Month of Reckoning

It's been a long month, winter on the prairies bites ass. It's so cold and snowy, it's enough to make you wonder why you bother, living here that is.
This January was the 25th anniversery of my Father's death, and likely the hardest yet. It was the first time I've ever really thought back to the time surrounding his death, how strange the memories are. It's true, I've been different ever since. Not like I really knew who I was at 8 years old, but that single event changed the course of my life forever. The memories are probably warped and distorted, how could they not be? I wish I could remember more, or that someone would actually (God forbid) want to talk about it. It's the unspoken tragedy. It was like an extended holiday from reality, one which I am not sure I have ever really recovered from.
I wish I could write or play guitar, something to open the gate, but that hasn't been an option thus far. Who would have thought funeral school would be such a moving experience.
Babies are good though. It seems like all of a sudden there are babies everywhere in my life. It's good, it satisfies my urge to even consider wanting more. Knowing my body is already too old, it would likely kill me, not to mention the sleepless nights and extreme chaos. Then there's the fact that they grow up to be teenagers. THAT alone is an incredibly effective measure of birth control. Yeah, other peoples babies are good...bye baby, see you next time.
I need to bleed, what a relief that would be right now. My back and boobs are painfully cramping my style. 3 finals this week and PMS is surely not the most logical state of mind. Throw it on top of yearning for closure or something like it with an ex, a right fucked up neighbor, and a dirty car that you can't even wash if you wanted to because it is so fucking cold that all the carwashes are closed, and it makes for a nasty sort of temperament....gotta love Sunday mornings.

What's up Cookiepuss?

That question is a loaded gun.
How about the novels that most capture my attention
are those that have captured grief.
How about breaking into your innermost foundation
and busting it apart.
How about the one where you know it's bad for you
but you want it anyways.
How about that?

I have found a new love...it came in the form of a 2003 black jetta.
Absolutely lovely not only to look at, but to maneuver as well.
It's so dirty from being in melting Regina, seeing snoop dogg,
that I am ashamed to take her picture...tsk, tsk, tsk on me.
Some say it looks like a beamer, but I don't care about that.
And yes I am avoiding my homework, by writing here instead,
so on that note I leave you broken and unfed. (dead also rhymed, but if you're here you're likely not dead yet)

The Unravelling of the Mind

But it's late,
and I've had too much to think.

Life is Crazy

It sure is...
Getting here was half the battle, but I'm back. I've got 2+ weeks of awesome blog material stored in my head, and jotted on tiny scraps of paper kicking about. My harsh neglect may or may not have gone unnoticed, but lucky you (someone must read this shit...) I plan to tell you all about it tonight. Well not all of it of course, because that could go on for days. Hmmm...where to start, how about the beginning?
Shit, where did that beginning go...this won't work, I'm confusing myself. How about I start with what to do for this year's winter activity. I like to take up something new during the long, hard Saskatchewan winter months, it helps, trust me. I have found 3 options that are all very appealing, and right here in my neighborhood. You'll never believe this but, one of the community associations around here are offering "Strippercise", yep that's what I said, "strippercise." What sounds more fun than this folks? Anyone else interested, hmmm, girls? The only thing freaking me out about option #1 is the thought of a bunch of neighborhood women writhing around on poles and the ground, dancing around. Anybody can sign up, I'll leave it at that. Option #2 is yoga. I've never taken a formal class, so this is also a fine option. It would be relaxing and serene. Which leads us to option #3...judo. Now this is nothing like yoga, or strippercise either for that matter. I could use an agressive romping, good for fun, fitness and power. This is the one I am leaning on, as it's probably the only one that would help me gain upper body strength, which I use a lot at work. Lugging bodies around requires serious strength. I don't know, the problem is that all 3 together would be an excellent way to quickly get into shape, and have fun while doing so. Too much time and money though. Too bad, I'll have to choose. Any suggestions? (This is the part where you consider it, " hmmm...I haven't commented on Jenn's blog for soooo long, maybe never even..."
Okay then, that took entirely way too long, and I could have said more. But I like to hold the readers attention by switching it up a little, you know, fuckin with ya. Things are crazy around here, life has been a whirlwind of exams and Christmas concerts, and chaos of crappy cars, and trying to plan a million details with a head already full of sociology and jurisprudence and threesomes, oh wait, that was a movie... Blah, so there, I summed it all up. There you have it, wait...I'm not done. One more thing, does anybody want to get together to make music? As I am once again coming into my own skin, this is something that needs to be reckoned with, I'm sick of pulling karaoke as a lame attempt at being a rock star. You can reach me at calamity74@shaw.ca So be there or be square
I have a computer final tomorrow, but it's kind of dumb studying. It's that kind of easy. I didn't study for the last one and walked away with a 96% final grade. Yeehaw! Rock and Roll, Merry Christmas (in case I don't come back before then), and nevermind, goodbye

Fact:

An egg in the microwave will explode before it soft boils.
I just learned this the hard way, but I'm glad I'm feeling wonky and this is really damn funny to me right now. Best of all, it had the nerve to do it while I was watching. Too fuckin funny.

It's 3 am I must be...something

Sometimes life is just refreshing. Sometimes all it takes to appreciate winter in Saskatchewan is to get drunk and partake in it in an unbiased, fuzzy-headed way. Or maybe it just warmed up enough that with the bright/fuzzy moonlight, you realize that this is your home and moving to the ocean won't be the same, but that you think your kids deserve to know the difference and maybe so do you, so you still plan to.

Snoo~oo~oo~oo~oop

The tickets arrived in the mail today, i'm excited. Something to look foward to here in the dead of winter. There's more freakin snow than anyone knows what to do with.
My neighbor, Dwain came over and we smoked a little, drank PC "New Wave" cola, and played with the Wii. Pretty cool machine, it is indeed. I love the way our culture has gotten kids of all ages hooked on video games, and has finally thought of a way to combat the effects. The Wii is totally interactive, in fact, my arm and shoulder are aching. WE played bowling, baseball, and boxing. Then I did a fitness test, apparantly I am 37 Wii years, hmmm...maybe if I had a gotten off the couch?
The school work's getting pretty heavy these days, no more fuckin the dogg. (pun fully intended) Speaking of which, I think Snoop is kinda hot, in a schmarmy gangster kind of way. It's Jessie's 17th birthday come groundhogs day, thought a little Snoop would make a nice gift. He's a pretty lucky little bastard, considering the shit he doles out...I'd say. And too bad for me that I have to drive and chaperone, cause man...anyways.
2 weeks
2 midterms
2 finals
Cause you know what they say right? Good things always come in twos.

I want a Ben Harper for Christmas

Finally...Spring

I love spring in November, it really makes a Saskatchewan winter feel short.
What a beautiful day for a highway drive...music up, windows down, cigarettes and water by my side, singing my buggered little heart out all the home, wee wee wee.
Just in the process of avoiding studying for a sociology exam tomorrow. Hmmm...says Freud, does this have anything to do with your repressed childhood desires? Yeah, maybe...

Transformation

I feel different to me. When I look in the mirror, I look different as well.
My skin no longer feels like my own, my body a stranger in my own home.
Is this another milestone of life, unrecognizable to self?
Wanting to emerge a beautiful version of a self I once loved, but fearing the self-inflicted damage I've done. Can it be undone? Can something better than ever grow from this heap of mold?
It's strange to feel unwanted and alone. Where do I begin to reach for what I need to fill the space...
It's not about self-loathing or hate, it's about spending too much time alone with your head.

Desperate times call for Desperate measures...or so it seems

I've been wanting to say that all week.We can call it the "order of the month".
It could be my accusingly hipocritical sense of judgement, mixed with a little pinch of rejection, thrown in with a little sitting at home getting drunk alone, and there you have it. The perfect recipe...
Getting drunk at home, alone? You say...well yes I reply, because it seems like most of the people who are/were in my life, all talk about it like it's a perfectly normal, acceptable thing to do. It's hard to get over the nagging voice that tells me it's not ok, that it's a sign of addiction. I tend you associate alcohol with people, and having fun. I guess you could call it a social habit. It feels weird but ok. I watched a movie too, and once I got past the language interpretation part of it, I quite enjoyed it.
It was called Intermission, It held my interest. You could say I liked it.

Such a need for adult contact, and foiled at every bend. I'm trying to make new friends, but thus far it doesn't compensate for the loss of the old ones. It's funny, one of my new classes is sociology, and It's causing me to think about my fucked up state of social isolation. It happens so gradually that you don't really feel it until you really have to face it, then you can't ignore it. Or is this just a natural part of getting older and knowing what you want and don't want? Or think this is what you need at this moment?
I pulled out my camera tonight and took some self portraits...fuck do I ever look like my mother in one of em', I deleted it. I haven't had the camera out in a long time. I took one of myself that I really wanted to post here, too bad my USB ports are shoved deep into the face of my computer again. I thought of it the other day, and named it, "shot block", you gotta hate that one.
Anyways, thats the scoop for now and now after 3 1/2 beers, I must depart. But I leave you with this...My favorite song line of the week...
"I'm celebrating my love for you with a pint of beer and a new tatoo"
(Yeah, it's been a Billy Braggish sort of few days)

Everyone needs an ******, right Fred?

I feel good, although I wonder if it's a faux pas to smell the roses.
It's been a absolute blast of a week...I love what I've been doing, and through it I'm feeling stronger and taller and smarter than I have in a long time.
The beauty is sliding into somewhere that you have always suspected you should be, and finding you fit exactly how you thought you should. I'm going to try and get myself a position on the payroll, because I think I am exactly what they need right now.
We'll see tomorrow...I had the day off today, and spent it cleaning and rearranging my house. And a bit of shopping of course, because we all know the best time to shop is when you are feeling awesome about yourself. That's when you find the best stuff.
One more day at the funeral home, it's too sad to think of not going back until February. I'm lucky I already have some of my classes, because it sure lightens the load, AND ahem, that makes me even perfecter for the job.

Oh What a Great Day it was

I think I will dress up as a funeral director for work tomorrow....ha ha ha, no choice but to. Probably better than some creepy costume that would scare people, right?
a funeral on halloween day?
Yes, indeed. And what a blustery day it was.

Oh the ache in my gut, it grows stronger day by day.
How can wanting something so bad make you so damn mental?
Moved beds and shopped for doors until the cows came home today. The pisser of it all is when I finally got myself pumped enough to put the new one together, all the hardware was missing. So now I have no bed to sleep in, even though I got a new bed. The basements still in shambles, the drum kits not set up, I wanted to go for a drive or sing songs or something tonight. But I didn't...
Day 2 of being single, even though I saw him today. He brought me 18 pil for setting up his computer and installing some shit...good deal I thought. I made him take the last of his shit and give back my key, now I feel better. It's been a good few days of trades. Traded a photo for some squash, traded a smoke for a lighter, traded a ride for a bud and traded a pack of smokes for help with moving shit. Good stuff.
Got some damn good news in the mail yesterday; an excellent placement for my practicums, a 92% on my psych exam, and a 40/40 on my final computer assignment. Not only that but I handed in a kick-ass essay all about me and why I want to be a funeral director and embalmer. Sometimes you can't help but feel like you are doing something right.

And what a day it's been...

It's been awhile again. I often think of things I should post on my lonely blog, but what can I say, I've been totally uninspired lately. Things are looking up though, I know, I 've been thinking that for too long, but there really is a light at the end somewhere. I'm really almost single, although I have been mentally for months. It's so time to put this baby to bed, it's tired and ready.
My ftp is messed up, so no pics tonight. My brain is exhausted from too much school today, my heart is craving something that I cannot reach, and I woke up today looking like my mother. I have a million piles of shit to move around and out of my house this weekend, I finally changed the water in my fish tank (now that there was a casualty), and I can't wait to get the demon out of my bed so I can finally change the sheets. I know I shouldn't start something new until I finish with the old, but what if the new is actually the old and the new old well, just needs to go away? I wonder about that, is it deceitful? Is it wrong to not want what you have and crave what you don't have? I read something the other day about not wallowing in your own muck; bring it out, deal with it and leave it be...guilt will only cause you grief.
I wanted to add the photo of my new drum kit, but oh well, maybe some other week.

another sunday night

Oh and what a week it's been. My first day of school on tuesday was awesome fun, if you're sick enough to see it that way too. Thought it would all be boring classroom stuff but it entailed way more than that. From pushing a body bagged stretcher through the halls to the simlulated funeral including hearse and all to the cemetary for practise with burial, wow what fun. I'm so excited about all this, it feels like I've been waiting most of my life for this to happen. Finally, time to get shit moving in the right direction here. And speaking of which, kid 1 left home today (again), thats one pain in the ass eliminated, one more to go. I hope I found our new house, and can't wait for it to just be the 3 of us, moving foward beautifully. I've hit a point, I need the peace and space NOW.
So Storm got kicked of of rockstar supernova this week, and I got emotional. Not like I was ever her biggest fan, but her original song lst week kicked ass, impressed the shit right oughta me. I always figured it would come down to Toby, Magni and Dilana anyways. My hairdresser thinks Lucas is going to win, but I think she only likes him cause he has a baby face and cool hair, not great lung capacity.
Yep, so here I am, wanting to move, wanting to be single, and wanting a new car, We'll see how the week goes...