So I just sucked up a red ponytail holder with the vacuum, oops.
Today, as many others of late was a day with a full range of emotion. Forget range of motion exercises, where do I sign up for the class on emotional health? Maybe at curves. I'm kinda pumped about the thought. Me and some of the gals from my posse went for a body analysis and measurements today. Wow, it wasn't as bad as any of us thought it would be, and I think we all walked away thinking there is hope for us yet. We regrouped afterwards for coffee and cigarettes and discussed the logistics of the program, oh yeah and chips. Sam and I snuck them across the parking lot after we left the joint, hoping that no one was watching out the window. Ha ha ha, aren't we sneaky. Double sneaky in fact. Ha ha. Change of topic.
I was starting to feel more human today, until I received an emotionless email about sealing some wine bottles I have in the basement. It was very informative, then it pissed me off. Of all the questions I have asked and wanted answers to, that was indeed not one of them. BAHHH Dealing with grief and emotional overload sucks!
Breaking up is hard to do.
Tuesday, February 27
Thursday, February 22
Monday, February 19
Lookin Good George!
Yeah ummm...cause it's just one of those nights. A monday that eats like a sunday.
Wednesday, February 14
14 more minutes
Well, I've almost survived a really shitty valentines day, it's almost technically over, mentally it may never be, but if you ask the clock, the time is damn near up. It's been a bit of a depressing time for this here blog, the past month or so. It's also been a time of change and chaos and mental exploration. Through this I have learned a few thing:
1. You can't roll over or under things, you have to trudge through them.
2. You can want what you think you want, but it may not be what you need or get.
3. Weight loss is a great and simple side effect of mental anguish.
Started work at the funeral home this past monday, it's been a bit quiet but that's ok. I hoped for that, in fact I special requested it. I'm not sure how capable I am this week of being surrounded by other's grief, especially if it moves me. It would be selfish of me to drag my own issues onto someone elses dance floor. It's ok to let it get to you if it's for them, but not if I am sad for me, that would be disrespectful. We did have a valentines funeral today, it was quite lovely. I felt like I belonged, like people are seeing me as strangely out of place, yet somehow I look like I know what I am doing and are there for the right reasons. It feels good to have someone looking around for help, seeing me, and knowing I am there to help. Just like anything I guess, once the confidence in ability grows, it shows. That and it's a great distraction from my own reality. My favorite thing of the day was taking off in the chrysler 300 (black & chrome) to run errands on my own. Yesterday I got to take the caddy limo out for a drive in the country, on the highway, fun. I love the stature that comes with this business, looking gorgeous with great hair, all dressed up in a feminine suit, black of course, with a long wool coat, also black, driving the company vehicles, funny but yes, more black...I love the feeling.
I need to settle this shit storm down a little, how much physically can you take before you crap out? My guts are absolutely rotten. That was damn near a double entendre, or was it? Who cares. This is getting a little fat, don't want to bore my devoted fans. I'll leave you with this, it seems appropriate, given the day and all.
1. You can't roll over or under things, you have to trudge through them.
2. You can want what you think you want, but it may not be what you need or get.
3. Weight loss is a great and simple side effect of mental anguish.
Started work at the funeral home this past monday, it's been a bit quiet but that's ok. I hoped for that, in fact I special requested it. I'm not sure how capable I am this week of being surrounded by other's grief, especially if it moves me. It would be selfish of me to drag my own issues onto someone elses dance floor. It's ok to let it get to you if it's for them, but not if I am sad for me, that would be disrespectful. We did have a valentines funeral today, it was quite lovely. I felt like I belonged, like people are seeing me as strangely out of place, yet somehow I look like I know what I am doing and are there for the right reasons. It feels good to have someone looking around for help, seeing me, and knowing I am there to help. Just like anything I guess, once the confidence in ability grows, it shows. That and it's a great distraction from my own reality. My favorite thing of the day was taking off in the chrysler 300 (black & chrome) to run errands on my own. Yesterday I got to take the caddy limo out for a drive in the country, on the highway, fun. I love the stature that comes with this business, looking gorgeous with great hair, all dressed up in a feminine suit, black of course, with a long wool coat, also black, driving the company vehicles, funny but yes, more black...I love the feeling.
I need to settle this shit storm down a little, how much physically can you take before you crap out? My guts are absolutely rotten. That was damn near a double entendre, or was it? Who cares. This is getting a little fat, don't want to bore my devoted fans. I'll leave you with this, it seems appropriate, given the day and all.
Tuesday, February 13
Saturday, February 10
Sunday, February 4
A Month of Reckoning
It's been a long month, winter on the prairies bites ass. It's so cold and snowy, it's enough to make you wonder why you bother, living here that is.
This January was the 25th anniversery of my Father's death, and likely the hardest yet. It was the first time I've ever really thought back to the time surrounding his death, how strange the memories are. It's true, I've been different ever since. Not like I really knew who I was at 8 years old, but that single event changed the course of my life forever. The memories are probably warped and distorted, how could they not be? I wish I could remember more, or that someone would actually (God forbid) want to talk about it. It's the unspoken tragedy. It was like an extended holiday from reality, one which I am not sure I have ever really recovered from.
I wish I could write or play guitar, something to open the gate, but that hasn't been an option thus far. Who would have thought funeral school would be such a moving experience.
Babies are good though. It seems like all of a sudden there are babies everywhere in my life. It's good, it satisfies my urge to even consider wanting more. Knowing my body is already too old, it would likely kill me, not to mention the sleepless nights and extreme chaos. Then there's the fact that they grow up to be teenagers. THAT alone is an incredibly effective measure of birth control. Yeah, other peoples babies are good...bye baby, see you next time.
I need to bleed, what a relief that would be right now. My back and boobs are painfully cramping my style. 3 finals this week and PMS is surely not the most logical state of mind. Throw it on top of yearning for closure or something like it with an ex, a right fucked up neighbor, and a dirty car that you can't even wash if you wanted to because it is so fucking cold that all the carwashes are closed, and it makes for a nasty sort of temperament....gotta love Sunday mornings.
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