I Want Some

I want what the beautiful people have.
I think I am finally buying into this whole "adult" thing.
I want a beautiful husband and a beautiful house with our beautiful vehicles parked in our beautiful yard. I want to go on exotic vacations to sunny destinations. I want these things too.
I have a beautiful car that I love so now all I really need is a husband and a house, then we can start planning our vacation.
How hard can it be, once you decide for sure this is indeed what you need? We'll see.
Yes I am avoiding accounting homework again, and the dishes as well. That's what my blog is here for, always when I need a valid distraction. It's super.
My accounting class is turning out to be a ton of work. Some of it is complicated, but mostly it's just time consuming. I'm not used to having to put so much effort into a class. Only 4 more classes to do though, and in 2 months I will have completed my funeral directors certificate. Whoohoo...that's so soon. This has been whizzing by like crazy fast, probably because it is holding my interest.
Well that's all, just thought I'd put it out there, maybe this will better my chances of actually getting what I want out of life.

Avoiding the T-Bar

Yep, should be doing my bookkeeping assignments, due tomorrow, yep 3 of them.
I love that my blog is always here for me when I should be doing schoolwork.

P.S Any of you ladies out there notice that working out makes you horny?
Is it related to feeling better, or could it just be pms...hmmmmmm.

So the Approach is Somewhat Lacking

Like Nicki said, for a girl with such bravado, she sure is lacking in the approach. Ok so she didn't quite say that exactly, but you get the the point. It's true, I tend to be a brazen, loud mouthed woman, unless it comes to talking to members of the opposite sex. Don't get me wrong, I have no problem with strange men, or guys who are my friends, but throw in the element of attraction and I am fucked. Sigh...how does one learn to not act like a retard whilst talking to a fellow? Crap, I fear I may have blown my big chance at my next boyfriend because I got flustered and walked away in the middle of the conversation.
Otherwise I feel pretty good this morning, considering I drank myself sober and din't get home until 3am. Why am I up so damn early then you ask, well I'll tell you. The orangutan next door was at it bright and early this morning, about 7:45am. He was bangin on the doors and walls, screaming to be let out of his cage. Ok, they don't actually keep him in a cage, but maybe they should ha ha. And he's not really an orangutan, he's an attention starved 6 year old with a mother that just wants to be left alone. I live in a duplex and my bedroom wall is also their bedroom wall. It sucks when you are trying to sleep off a hangover, or just trying to sleep in period. So yeah, I was up at 8 and I am slowly working on my 2nd cup of coffee, knowing damn well that I am going to crap out before the fat part of this day is done. All in all an ok night though, except that I am a gimp and will be kicking myself in the ass all week for my lack of verbal intercourse.

that sucked

So I just sucked up a red ponytail holder with the vacuum, oops.

Today, as many others of late was a day with a full range of emotion. Forget range of motion exercises, where do I sign up for the class on emotional health? Maybe at curves. I'm kinda pumped about the thought. Me and some of the gals from my posse went for a body analysis and measurements today. Wow, it wasn't as bad as any of us thought it would be, and I think we all walked away thinking there is hope for us yet. We regrouped afterwards for coffee and cigarettes and discussed the logistics of the program, oh yeah and chips. Sam and I snuck them across the parking lot after we left the joint, hoping that no one was watching out the window. Ha ha ha, aren't we sneaky. Double sneaky in fact. Ha ha. Change of topic.
I was starting to feel more human today, until I received an emotionless email about sealing some wine bottles I have in the basement. It was very informative, then it pissed me off. Of all the questions I have asked and wanted answers to, that was indeed not one of them. BAHHH Dealing with grief and emotional overload sucks!
Breaking up is hard to do.

Ha Ha Ha

Lookin Good George!

Yeah ummm...cause it's just one of those nights. A monday that eats like a sunday.

14 more minutes

Well, I've almost survived a really shitty valentines day, it's almost technically over, mentally it may never be, but if you ask the clock, the time is damn near up. It's been a bit of a depressing time for this here blog, the past month or so. It's also been a time of change and chaos and mental exploration. Through this I have learned a few thing:
1. You can't roll over or under things, you have to trudge through them.
2. You can want what you think you want, but it may not be what you need or get.
3. Weight loss is a great and simple side effect of mental anguish.

Started work at the funeral home this past monday, it's been a bit quiet but that's ok. I hoped for that, in fact I special requested it. I'm not sure how capable I am this week of being surrounded by other's grief, especially if it moves me. It would be selfish of me to drag my own issues onto someone elses dance floor. It's ok to let it get to you if it's for them, but not if I am sad for me, that would be disrespectful. We did have a valentines funeral today, it was quite lovely. I felt like I belonged, like people are seeing me as strangely out of place, yet somehow I look like I know what I am doing and are there for the right reasons. It feels good to have someone looking around for help, seeing me, and knowing I am there to help. Just like anything I guess, once the confidence in ability grows, it shows. That and it's a great distraction from my own reality. My favorite thing of the day was taking off in the chrysler 300 (black & chrome) to run errands on my own. Yesterday I got to take the caddy limo out for a drive in the country, on the highway, fun. I love the stature that comes with this business, looking gorgeous with great hair, all dressed up in a feminine suit, black of course, with a long wool coat, also black, driving the company vehicles, funny but yes, more black...I love the feeling.
I need to settle this shit storm down a little, how much physically can you take before you crap out? My guts are absolutely rotten. That was damn near a double entendre, or was it? Who cares. This is getting a little fat, don't want to bore my devoted fans. I'll leave you with this, it seems appropriate, given the day and all.

Happy Fricken Valentines Day

The Mourning After

Life fucking hurts sometimes.

A Month of Reckoning

It's been a long month, winter on the prairies bites ass. It's so cold and snowy, it's enough to make you wonder why you bother, living here that is.
This January was the 25th anniversery of my Father's death, and likely the hardest yet. It was the first time I've ever really thought back to the time surrounding his death, how strange the memories are. It's true, I've been different ever since. Not like I really knew who I was at 8 years old, but that single event changed the course of my life forever. The memories are probably warped and distorted, how could they not be? I wish I could remember more, or that someone would actually (God forbid) want to talk about it. It's the unspoken tragedy. It was like an extended holiday from reality, one which I am not sure I have ever really recovered from.
I wish I could write or play guitar, something to open the gate, but that hasn't been an option thus far. Who would have thought funeral school would be such a moving experience.
Babies are good though. It seems like all of a sudden there are babies everywhere in my life. It's good, it satisfies my urge to even consider wanting more. Knowing my body is already too old, it would likely kill me, not to mention the sleepless nights and extreme chaos. Then there's the fact that they grow up to be teenagers. THAT alone is an incredibly effective measure of birth control. Yeah, other peoples babies are good...bye baby, see you next time.
I need to bleed, what a relief that would be right now. My back and boobs are painfully cramping my style. 3 finals this week and PMS is surely not the most logical state of mind. Throw it on top of yearning for closure or something like it with an ex, a right fucked up neighbor, and a dirty car that you can't even wash if you wanted to because it is so fucking cold that all the carwashes are closed, and it makes for a nasty sort of temperament....gotta love Sunday mornings.

What's up Cookiepuss?

That question is a loaded gun.
How about the novels that most capture my attention
are those that have captured grief.
How about breaking into your innermost foundation
and busting it apart.
How about the one where you know it's bad for you
but you want it anyways.
How about that?

I have found a new love...it came in the form of a 2003 black jetta.
Absolutely lovely not only to look at, but to maneuver as well.
It's so dirty from being in melting Regina, seeing snoop dogg,
that I am ashamed to take her picture...tsk, tsk, tsk on me.
Some say it looks like a beamer, but I don't care about that.
And yes I am avoiding my homework, by writing here instead,
so on that note I leave you broken and unfed. (dead also rhymed, but if you're here you're likely not dead yet)

The Unravelling of the Mind

But it's late,
and I've had too much to think.

Life is Crazy

It sure is...
Getting here was half the battle, but I'm back. I've got 2+ weeks of awesome blog material stored in my head, and jotted on tiny scraps of paper kicking about. My harsh neglect may or may not have gone unnoticed, but lucky you (someone must read this shit...) I plan to tell you all about it tonight. Well not all of it of course, because that could go on for days. Hmmm...where to start, how about the beginning?
Shit, where did that beginning go...this won't work, I'm confusing myself. How about I start with what to do for this year's winter activity. I like to take up something new during the long, hard Saskatchewan winter months, it helps, trust me. I have found 3 options that are all very appealing, and right here in my neighborhood. You'll never believe this but, one of the community associations around here are offering "Strippercise", yep that's what I said, "strippercise." What sounds more fun than this folks? Anyone else interested, hmmm, girls? The only thing freaking me out about option #1 is the thought of a bunch of neighborhood women writhing around on poles and the ground, dancing around. Anybody can sign up, I'll leave it at that. Option #2 is yoga. I've never taken a formal class, so this is also a fine option. It would be relaxing and serene. Which leads us to option #3...judo. Now this is nothing like yoga, or strippercise either for that matter. I could use an agressive romping, good for fun, fitness and power. This is the one I am leaning on, as it's probably the only one that would help me gain upper body strength, which I use a lot at work. Lugging bodies around requires serious strength. I don't know, the problem is that all 3 together would be an excellent way to quickly get into shape, and have fun while doing so. Too much time and money though. Too bad, I'll have to choose. Any suggestions? (This is the part where you consider it, " hmmm...I haven't commented on Jenn's blog for soooo long, maybe never even..."
Okay then, that took entirely way too long, and I could have said more. But I like to hold the readers attention by switching it up a little, you know, fuckin with ya. Things are crazy around here, life has been a whirlwind of exams and Christmas concerts, and chaos of crappy cars, and trying to plan a million details with a head already full of sociology and jurisprudence and threesomes, oh wait, that was a movie... Blah, so there, I summed it all up. There you have it, wait...I'm not done. One more thing, does anybody want to get together to make music? As I am once again coming into my own skin, this is something that needs to be reckoned with, I'm sick of pulling karaoke as a lame attempt at being a rock star. You can reach me at calamity74@shaw.ca So be there or be square
I have a computer final tomorrow, but it's kind of dumb studying. It's that kind of easy. I didn't study for the last one and walked away with a 96% final grade. Yeehaw! Rock and Roll, Merry Christmas (in case I don't come back before then), and nevermind, goodbye

Fact:

An egg in the microwave will explode before it soft boils.
I just learned this the hard way, but I'm glad I'm feeling wonky and this is really damn funny to me right now. Best of all, it had the nerve to do it while I was watching. Too fuckin funny.

It's 3 am I must be...something

Sometimes life is just refreshing. Sometimes all it takes to appreciate winter in Saskatchewan is to get drunk and partake in it in an unbiased, fuzzy-headed way. Or maybe it just warmed up enough that with the bright/fuzzy moonlight, you realize that this is your home and moving to the ocean won't be the same, but that you think your kids deserve to know the difference and maybe so do you, so you still plan to.

Snoo~oo~oo~oo~oop

The tickets arrived in the mail today, i'm excited. Something to look foward to here in the dead of winter. There's more freakin snow than anyone knows what to do with.
My neighbor, Dwain came over and we smoked a little, drank PC "New Wave" cola, and played with the Wii. Pretty cool machine, it is indeed. I love the way our culture has gotten kids of all ages hooked on video games, and has finally thought of a way to combat the effects. The Wii is totally interactive, in fact, my arm and shoulder are aching. WE played bowling, baseball, and boxing. Then I did a fitness test, apparantly I am 37 Wii years, hmmm...maybe if I had a gotten off the couch?
The school work's getting pretty heavy these days, no more fuckin the dogg. (pun fully intended) Speaking of which, I think Snoop is kinda hot, in a schmarmy gangster kind of way. It's Jessie's 17th birthday come groundhogs day, thought a little Snoop would make a nice gift. He's a pretty lucky little bastard, considering the shit he doles out...I'd say. And too bad for me that I have to drive and chaperone, cause man...anyways.
2 weeks
2 midterms
2 finals
Cause you know what they say right? Good things always come in twos.

I want a Ben Harper for Christmas

Finally...Spring

I love spring in November, it really makes a Saskatchewan winter feel short.
What a beautiful day for a highway drive...music up, windows down, cigarettes and water by my side, singing my buggered little heart out all the home, wee wee wee.
Just in the process of avoiding studying for a sociology exam tomorrow. Hmmm...says Freud, does this have anything to do with your repressed childhood desires? Yeah, maybe...