A Month of Reckoning

It's been a long month, winter on the prairies bites ass. It's so cold and snowy, it's enough to make you wonder why you bother, living here that is.
This January was the 25th anniversery of my Father's death, and likely the hardest yet. It was the first time I've ever really thought back to the time surrounding his death, how strange the memories are. It's true, I've been different ever since. Not like I really knew who I was at 8 years old, but that single event changed the course of my life forever. The memories are probably warped and distorted, how could they not be? I wish I could remember more, or that someone would actually (God forbid) want to talk about it. It's the unspoken tragedy. It was like an extended holiday from reality, one which I am not sure I have ever really recovered from.
I wish I could write or play guitar, something to open the gate, but that hasn't been an option thus far. Who would have thought funeral school would be such a moving experience.
Babies are good though. It seems like all of a sudden there are babies everywhere in my life. It's good, it satisfies my urge to even consider wanting more. Knowing my body is already too old, it would likely kill me, not to mention the sleepless nights and extreme chaos. Then there's the fact that they grow up to be teenagers. THAT alone is an incredibly effective measure of birth control. Yeah, other peoples babies are good...bye baby, see you next time.
I need to bleed, what a relief that would be right now. My back and boobs are painfully cramping my style. 3 finals this week and PMS is surely not the most logical state of mind. Throw it on top of yearning for closure or something like it with an ex, a right fucked up neighbor, and a dirty car that you can't even wash if you wanted to because it is so fucking cold that all the carwashes are closed, and it makes for a nasty sort of temperament....gotta love Sunday mornings.