Transformation

I feel different to me. When I look in the mirror, I look different as well.
My skin no longer feels like my own, my body a stranger in my own home.
Is this another milestone of life, unrecognizable to self?
Wanting to emerge a beautiful version of a self I once loved, but fearing the self-inflicted damage I've done. Can it be undone? Can something better than ever grow from this heap of mold?
It's strange to feel unwanted and alone. Where do I begin to reach for what I need to fill the space...
It's not about self-loathing or hate, it's about spending too much time alone with your head.

Desperate times call for Desperate measures...or so it seems

I've been wanting to say that all week.We can call it the "order of the month".
It could be my accusingly hipocritical sense of judgement, mixed with a little pinch of rejection, thrown in with a little sitting at home getting drunk alone, and there you have it. The perfect recipe...
Getting drunk at home, alone? You say...well yes I reply, because it seems like most of the people who are/were in my life, all talk about it like it's a perfectly normal, acceptable thing to do. It's hard to get over the nagging voice that tells me it's not ok, that it's a sign of addiction. I tend you associate alcohol with people, and having fun. I guess you could call it a social habit. It feels weird but ok. I watched a movie too, and once I got past the language interpretation part of it, I quite enjoyed it.
It was called Intermission, It held my interest. You could say I liked it.

Such a need for adult contact, and foiled at every bend. I'm trying to make new friends, but thus far it doesn't compensate for the loss of the old ones. It's funny, one of my new classes is sociology, and It's causing me to think about my fucked up state of social isolation. It happens so gradually that you don't really feel it until you really have to face it, then you can't ignore it. Or is this just a natural part of getting older and knowing what you want and don't want? Or think this is what you need at this moment?
I pulled out my camera tonight and took some self portraits...fuck do I ever look like my mother in one of em', I deleted it. I haven't had the camera out in a long time. I took one of myself that I really wanted to post here, too bad my USB ports are shoved deep into the face of my computer again. I thought of it the other day, and named it, "shot block", you gotta hate that one.
Anyways, thats the scoop for now and now after 3 1/2 beers, I must depart. But I leave you with this...My favorite song line of the week...
"I'm celebrating my love for you with a pint of beer and a new tatoo"
(Yeah, it's been a Billy Braggish sort of few days)

Everyone needs an ******, right Fred?

I feel good, although I wonder if it's a faux pas to smell the roses.
It's been a absolute blast of a week...I love what I've been doing, and through it I'm feeling stronger and taller and smarter than I have in a long time.
The beauty is sliding into somewhere that you have always suspected you should be, and finding you fit exactly how you thought you should. I'm going to try and get myself a position on the payroll, because I think I am exactly what they need right now.
We'll see tomorrow...I had the day off today, and spent it cleaning and rearranging my house. And a bit of shopping of course, because we all know the best time to shop is when you are feeling awesome about yourself. That's when you find the best stuff.
One more day at the funeral home, it's too sad to think of not going back until February. I'm lucky I already have some of my classes, because it sure lightens the load, AND ahem, that makes me even perfecter for the job.

Oh What a Great Day it was

I think I will dress up as a funeral director for work tomorrow....ha ha ha, no choice but to. Probably better than some creepy costume that would scare people, right?
a funeral on halloween day?
Yes, indeed. And what a blustery day it was.

Oh the ache in my gut, it grows stronger day by day.
How can wanting something so bad make you so damn mental?
Moved beds and shopped for doors until the cows came home today. The pisser of it all is when I finally got myself pumped enough to put the new one together, all the hardware was missing. So now I have no bed to sleep in, even though I got a new bed. The basements still in shambles, the drum kits not set up, I wanted to go for a drive or sing songs or something tonight. But I didn't...
Day 2 of being single, even though I saw him today. He brought me 18 pil for setting up his computer and installing some shit...good deal I thought. I made him take the last of his shit and give back my key, now I feel better. It's been a good few days of trades. Traded a photo for some squash, traded a smoke for a lighter, traded a ride for a bud and traded a pack of smokes for help with moving shit. Good stuff.
Got some damn good news in the mail yesterday; an excellent placement for my practicums, a 92% on my psych exam, and a 40/40 on my final computer assignment. Not only that but I handed in a kick-ass essay all about me and why I want to be a funeral director and embalmer. Sometimes you can't help but feel like you are doing something right.

And what a day it's been...

It's been awhile again. I often think of things I should post on my lonely blog, but what can I say, I've been totally uninspired lately. Things are looking up though, I know, I 've been thinking that for too long, but there really is a light at the end somewhere. I'm really almost single, although I have been mentally for months. It's so time to put this baby to bed, it's tired and ready.
My ftp is messed up, so no pics tonight. My brain is exhausted from too much school today, my heart is craving something that I cannot reach, and I woke up today looking like my mother. I have a million piles of shit to move around and out of my house this weekend, I finally changed the water in my fish tank (now that there was a casualty), and I can't wait to get the demon out of my bed so I can finally change the sheets. I know I shouldn't start something new until I finish with the old, but what if the new is actually the old and the new old well, just needs to go away? I wonder about that, is it deceitful? Is it wrong to not want what you have and crave what you don't have? I read something the other day about not wallowing in your own muck; bring it out, deal with it and leave it be...guilt will only cause you grief.
I wanted to add the photo of my new drum kit, but oh well, maybe some other week.

another sunday night

Oh and what a week it's been. My first day of school on tuesday was awesome fun, if you're sick enough to see it that way too. Thought it would all be boring classroom stuff but it entailed way more than that. From pushing a body bagged stretcher through the halls to the simlulated funeral including hearse and all to the cemetary for practise with burial, wow what fun. I'm so excited about all this, it feels like I've been waiting most of my life for this to happen. Finally, time to get shit moving in the right direction here. And speaking of which, kid 1 left home today (again), thats one pain in the ass eliminated, one more to go. I hope I found our new house, and can't wait for it to just be the 3 of us, moving foward beautifully. I've hit a point, I need the peace and space NOW.
So Storm got kicked of of rockstar supernova this week, and I got emotional. Not like I was ever her biggest fan, but her original song lst week kicked ass, impressed the shit right oughta me. I always figured it would come down to Toby, Magni and Dilana anyways. My hairdresser thinks Lucas is going to win, but I think she only likes him cause he has a baby face and cool hair, not great lung capacity.
Yep, so here I am, wanting to move, wanting to be single, and wanting a new car, We'll see how the week goes...

The New Bicycle

Hailey got a new bike for his 12th birthday, and here it is. I was so excited for him to go to school today so I could take it for a spin (guilt-free). So I get all ready, and go to walk out the door with this smashing new bike, and it's fucking raining...WAHH

It's not easy being fat

Although it did seem rather easy getting that way.

Can it be blamed on the very thing that brings you this blog, or is it life after 30 combined with inactivity? Either way, it doesn't matter. The point is that it is really easy to gain weight, but really damn hard to lose and maintain it. I have figured out a few personal weaknesses though, and if only I could quit em, I'm convinced all would be well.
#1. Beer (yes I love it damnit, and no other alcoholic bev can take its place)
#2. Bread
#3. Potatoes
Proving I guess that you can take the girl off the farm, but you can't take the farm off the girls ass. ha ha ha ha ha ha

Photo courtesy of Leonard Nimoy Photography (yeah, spocks a photographer too!)

A Year in the Life - A Summary

Lisa is dead.
Nate's fucked.
Mya has no mother.
Claire had an abortion.
Ruth got remarried.
David and Keith broke up.
Brenda is celibate and clean.
And Rico, well last I saw of him he was getting a hummer from a stripper in his car.
Wow, it left me feeling quite emotional, how can I not run out and rent the entire 4th season? I began at the beginning, watching every episode, in order, one after the other. What a great fucking show it is.....
Oh yeah and Billy is in love with Brenda



Random thought of yesterday....Ladies, always wear a bra whilst cutting the grass, because you never know who's watching.

Close to Home

The ARIES March 21 - April 19
Adventurous, Energetic, Pioneering, Courageous, Enthusiastic, Confident, Dynamic and Quick-Witted
Selfish, Quick-Tempered, Impulsive, Impatient, Foolhardy and a bit of a Daredevil
Arians see themselves as consummate leaders. While they are excellent at initiating and overseeing projects, don't rely on them to be down in the pits actually getting the work done. Arians are not afraid of being on the cutting edge of things. Energetic Arians love the opportunities and challenges each new day brings.

Arians are blunt and outspoken--often to the point that more sensitive souls around them will become alienated. Arians are intrepid and aggressive. When needed, they can almost always muster the inner-strength to face any challenge. Always competitive, Arians never lose sight of what is in their best interest.

Arians are often inclined to be egotistical and domineering. They much prefer action to allowing things to settle on their own. They are never afraid to take chances or follow their impulses. When their actions fail to produce the expected results, they still pride themselves on at least trying. They love exploring new ground. Indeed they expect to be first to go anywhere new. While Arians may not be for everyone, their courage and willingness to initiate action make them an asset to any team project.

HOT BUCK DOE LURE

Yeah, so apparantly all it takes to lure me into a potentially precarious situation, is the scent of having a real house. I know this is not ideal. "A house" you may say, well that seems riduculous, and you'd probably be right. So after 3 days of near silence and isolation, I have come up with a possible solution to the dilemna. "Why not just get a freaking house then?", I says to myself (remember...isolation) Wait a minute, wait a minute, let's just back this up a wee bit. I've recently become aware of something I'd like to name "THE 30'S PANIC". You know, the one where all of a sudden you feel the need to get married and reproduce. Driven sometimes by the threat of non-reproduction, or in other cases, proving to yourself, family, friends, co-workers etc. that you are actully worth something because you are married/stable/settled down/whatthefuckever/worthy of love....So I realize yesterday, is there a valid reason for me to panic, and settle for a miserable life in exchange for the status of having a husband/house/all that crap etc? Hell no, not really! I already have my kids and don't want any more. I have a career path on the horizon. What I want is a fucking house and a satisfying career, not a world of eggshells. See how it all ties in?
Moral of the story....don't put all your eggs in one bastard, ok dear?
Well anyways it's friday night, I think I'll go scrape some boogers off the wall or something, yep, it's exciting alright.....

Oh the thinks you can think

BLOGGERS BLOCK..... or is it something else?

Ummm...Chocolate

Nice Idea But...

Damn, the poor teacher that thought this plant was a good idea for this planter...ha ha ha ha ha. Needless to say, they did remove the cacti and planted ivy in it's place before they were sent home to the parents.

Jesus Christ

And yes I know I've been a total lame-o lately when it comes to posting on this here blog. It's not that I've been uninspired, well not really, physically yes, mentally no. It's just that I have so much shit floating around in my head that it often overwhelms me to a point of complete nothingness. How can that be you wonder...yeah, it's all about the ability to harness what I am capable of creating. Life is confusing, full of fastballs. Forget to duck and you are fucked, smack, hit in the noggin.


Favorite joke of the week---what's invisible and smells like carrots?
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>bunny farts (thanks Simone)

Favorite lyric of the week--We're in a room without a door, and I am sure without
a doubt, they're gonna wanna know how we got in here, and they're gonna wanna know how we plan to get out. (thanks Ani)

It's the Darndest Thing

So I've been attending some motivational type classes this week, a program based on the workings of a man named Lou Tice. We watch video's of Lou giving lessons on how to alter the subconscious mind, how to make life changing self- affirmations of how to be all you can be and more. Funny thing is though, is that this man not only looks like W.C. Fields, but his voice and mannerisms mirror the legendary funnyman to a point that makes it hard not to laugh. It's ok though, the facilitators still seem to adore me, in fact, one of them laughs jovially at most of my quarky outbursts. It's kind of fun. The catered lunches and snacks and beverages have been fabulous, definately worth being dressed all day for. "Stay tuned, there's more to come." (Lou Tice, 2006)

Just Another Wacky Sunday

Today has been one of those days...it started out rough, real rough. Rough to the point of wanting to vomit just to feel better kind of rough. I awoke at 8 am with a headache so screaming bad I couldn't even stand to lay on it, so I got up, in search of advil and water. Aaahh, the good ol' hangover cure, normally. However, today was not a normal hangover kind of day. I went back to bed and laid there holding my aching head in my hands until about 10, then decided to try getting up one more time, still sporting a filthy headache. I made coffee, but couldn't stand the smell of it, or anything else for that matter. I was utterly naseous, wanting to puke, wanting to die, something to end the misery. So anyways, I ended up taking 2 or 3 more advil and crawling back into bed. Finally I was able to get some sleep, I slept beautifully until 1 in the afternoon. For those of you who know me well, you would know that this is no easy feat for me, I'm always up by 10 for sure. Oh what a night is all I'm going to say about that, even though the night seemed pretty mellow at the time.
Weirdness event number 2...The police showing up at my house stating that someone had called 911 from my house and hung up. Now this could happen, it's not unheard of, but, at the time of the call I just happened to be on the phone with Nicki. I looked at the timer and we had been talking for 22 minutes, when the cop radioed in to find out the time of the call, it happened while we were talking. We all just decided it was some weird cordless phone thing and they left.
Regardless of the strange day and feeling like crap for most of it, I still managed to get quite a lot done. About 8 loads of laundry, a mega load of dishes and getting the kids ready for morning. Maybe because I skipped volleyball I felt I had to compensate for the lack of activity, who knows, but it's all good.
I got a new coffee maker!!!! Finally, it's been broken for 9 days, I've been making cowboy coffee with a funnel all week, yuck. Tomorrow is looking good, simple, easy delicious coffee, a class downtown called "Thought Patterns for a Successful Career", how nice. Maybe it will help me find the motivation to get a job or something, anyways, it's a new week, a new outlook on life, and a new cup of coffee. Yay.

random thoughts for a wednesday part 2 (and yeah, I know it's Friday)

I just opened an old drawer and found some of the strangest items. I call it an old drawer and it's in an old dresser, but let me explain. It's a dresser that used to be in my bedroom, then I moved it to Jessie's empty room, and I did clean out all my underused underwear, but I didn't clean out the top drawer. It's a salute to my organizational good intentions (similar to the road to hell), and lost in time are the many necesary objects that would in fact, allow me to procede with being a more organized individual. In the drawer I found some of those little clips that you attach to the wall in order to hang a mirror, not just one pack, but two. I must have really intended to hang that damn mirror, that maybe or I just wasn't happy with my first selection and therefore went out and got more. I also saw a poncho in a pack, about 4" by 4", handy. There's a whole bunch of other crap too, but I'll save you the details. On to the next random thought...
In my basement there are a bunch of teenage boys, at least 5, but maybe 6. They are all under 19, ranging from 15-17, and they are fucked up. They are currently listening to a really cool version of "Get Back", but its done by Ludacris and Sum 41, way cool. They are really loud and obnoxious, especially Jessie, who is at the moment(I can tell by the sounds) wearing a hat, aviator glasses, and redneck teeth. There is lots of coughing and male type bragging going on. Teenage boys are weird to me. They were also surprised when I answered the knock at the door, perhaps, I said to them, you were expecting someone else? Their instant silence gave them away.
Today at the library I got the ultimate Johnny Cash book, it looks great, can't wait to read it. So why don't I go crawl into bed and read it then you ask, well, because I don't want to, so there.
I'm frustrated by my choice of who I had children with. Remember ladies, be careful who you breed with, you are going to have to put up with that shit for the rest of your life.
On a lighter note, it's Friday night, St. Patrick's day even, and here I am, posting the year's longest bloggish gibberish, well good then, I'm not Irish.