The Perfect Sunday

What a nice day it was today. Spent it cruising around the city, wind in my face, hair aflutter, riding bitch on the back of a motorcycle. A nice big boy to wrap my arms around, skulls on the sides of my borrowed helmet, shucking all forms of responsibility...can it get any better than that? We went to the adobe inn for breakfast beers, then back to the city for a delicious lunch at the riv lounge (who would have thought?) Very nice. Turns out I don't mind riding bitch sometimes, gives you the freedom of being able to watch the world around you, which is extra cool when you are essentially totally exposed and wide open to the elements. Nice one dude, again, who would have thought?

Nice One

They fucking rocked...WOW. Wow, wow, wow, that was hot. And D didn't come cause he was scared of me, and fair enough, he should be at this point. All the strength he loved and hated me for is back, all the things I let him take from me are returning too...fuck you pussy, really.
Meanwhile back at the ranch, what happens if you slip something through the slot thqt may change things as you know them? What happens then? Who really knows the answer to that one, I guess we wait and see...

Wasn't that a Party

Oh my birthday was sooo much fun! Who would have thought I could learn the macarena on my 33rd birthday? We danced, we sang, we drank and we laughed our asses off. I'll say it again, I have some of the best friends one could possibly have, it was good times. Almost makes it okay that my mom didn't give me a birthday present, or even mention the thought of giving me one...oh well, add it to the list.

Oh Yeah Baby!

Ain't no sweeter relief than handing in all my completed assignments. Today was a productive day, and I am fucking done funeral school! (except for those 2 pesky finals next week)I admit I almost threw in the towel a few times today, but with the incredible help of my pals chocolate bunny, coffee and cigarettes, I managed to pull it out of my ass...YAY ME!!!
And yeah, for all you buttheads out there who never responded to my birthday invitation, you better hurry. The party is tomorrow night, or technically tonight I guess, depends how you look at it. Either way, it's sounding like it may be some fun. 8:30 at the Colonial, be there or be an asshead...ha ha ha ha ha

Tis so True

What can I say, I am but a beast.
Who's to say that the rules apply?
Attraction must follow some unspoken path.

lovely

I love my friends

They're awesome.
We just had a kick ass dinner party in celebration of my birthday. It turns out though that besides all that, the food was delicious, the laughter was bouncing off the walls, and the girls are all back up on their feet.
I just had a scary thought though...this is the first time in history that Sam, Nicki and I are all single AT THE SAME TIME. Look out world, it only gets better from here, the only way we can go from the bottom is up, and me thinks we are all on the train to the sky. Us beautiful, intelligent and thoughtful women deserve to finally have what we deserve to have. We've all had our turn at nurturing the mentally damaged, and beaten the dead horse to the ground so to speak. Spring is a great time for new growth, and even though the weight of the world has been, is and will continue to be on my shoulders, it's ok. I can carry it, and I know that my girls can too. Is this what 33 is going to be, all adult and brilliant like? Sounds good, I'll take it, in fact I may even have seconds...who knows.

Although I wonder why no one has responded to my birthday invitation. Do I scare people? Did they not notice how secretly creative that invitation was? What???
Meanwhile the phrase "dropping the baby at the finish line" won't seem to leave my head. I got an extension on an essay due last week, and it was supposed to be handed in friday night by midnight. Issue's anyone? 1 week left of school yet sooo much homework to finish...ugghhh. No point in jeopardizing myself though, I can't wait to become a funeral director. I love the whole process and the variety of lives involved. So maybe I should get out of here whilst I am feeling so damn typative and go and finsih the damn essay...ok then.

Yee Haw!

16 more days of school, many major assignments due, 2 exams, and that's all folks!
Oh yeah, and 4 days till my birthday, YAY!

Happy Fuckin Easter

Waking up a little pissy this this morning, it being Easter and all. Whatever right, it's just another overcommercialized holiday that somewhere along the line went from being about Jesus, to being all about bunnies and chocolate and eggs. The thing that sticks in my head is that holidays like this should be about family, the gathering of people you consider to be family. I guess that explains my top of the morning pissiness, the lack of feeling like I actually belong to a family at all. I got a message from my brother last night saying that he is flying in this morning for my grandpa's funeral tomorrow, but today he will be in Humboldt spending Easter with our family. Now my mom metioned something about this the other day, she didn't invite me mind you, or even bother to ask what my plans were, but she mentioned it. She didn't mention my birthday next week either, but we'll save that one for another day. Which leads us back to my current mood. I'm not saying they had any obligation to invite me, but really, it might have been nice to be considered. So here I sit, Easter morning, no signs of the easter bunny here, for my kids are at their dad's. I drink coffee and smoke numerous cigarettes and wonder how to spend my glorious easter...maybe a little homework, maybe some laundry, or maybe I could go hang out with my ex and his mother as that is the only remotely close to holiday spirit invitation I have received. Hmmm...family.
On a brighter note though, our trip to Moose Jaw yesterday was excellent. Just me and Nicki on the open road with the sun shining. We played pool, we ate Thai food, we swam blissfully in the mineral waters with the cool open air on our faces, and even managed to take in a testosterone filled live UFC fight in a really cool old hotel bar surrounded by fellas of all shapes and sizes. I didn't even mind the half-drunk dark drive home, the night was full of stars galore. Refreshing really, and good thing too, cause I have a feeling it's going to be a long week.

Oh Spring I Welcome Thee!

Today is the turning day, spring equinox. That thought alone should be enough to scream, "there is hope"!
It's been one of the craziest winters I've ever known, for so many people. There's been turmoil and change, and chaos and aggression. Power shifts aplenty, tension cascading, leaving us grabbing our hair wondering if we have the strength. I'm learning as I go, making it up along the way. It's like the more I reach out, the more that comes back. I'm beginning to feel very strong, physically and emotionally. It's amazing how fast the changes begin to happen when you set your mind to things. Finding the key to the balance is key.
Isolation versus socialization
the gradual manslaughter of the heart strings.
We carry on, and we can choose to trudge by miserably, or we can stand up tall, look it in the eye and push back. I myself am choosing to fight. I want what I want and I'm learning in order to get it, I have to be willing to fight for it. What can I say, I've always been a stimulation junkie.
Speaking of which...I need to get out of the hood. Pretty bad when you go to leave to the store you have to ask the cops sitting outside in the car if they are here to speak to you. Maybe they are, but maybe they are going to the house attached to your's, possibly the other house, about 4 down. It's hard to say. What chaos. Both the above mentioned other houses have similar problems. Messed up women getting out of hand. It happens more than I care to know, but you usually can't help but see or hear or get sucked into it somehow, when it's surrounding you.
Yep, still looking for a suitable suitor, and a new house. Big requests I know. I did get offered a job yesterday, and I think it may be good. I have a few questions that I will need answered, related to scheduling and conflict of interest stuff, you know, details. Exciting and scary, can I fill the roll of office administrator? I guess I can try and see how it goes, a real job, wow.

Here we go

After feckless attempts at reconciliation she decided to finally walk away.

I Want Some

I want what the beautiful people have.
I think I am finally buying into this whole "adult" thing.
I want a beautiful husband and a beautiful house with our beautiful vehicles parked in our beautiful yard. I want to go on exotic vacations to sunny destinations. I want these things too.
I have a beautiful car that I love so now all I really need is a husband and a house, then we can start planning our vacation.
How hard can it be, once you decide for sure this is indeed what you need? We'll see.
Yes I am avoiding accounting homework again, and the dishes as well. That's what my blog is here for, always when I need a valid distraction. It's super.
My accounting class is turning out to be a ton of work. Some of it is complicated, but mostly it's just time consuming. I'm not used to having to put so much effort into a class. Only 4 more classes to do though, and in 2 months I will have completed my funeral directors certificate. Whoohoo...that's so soon. This has been whizzing by like crazy fast, probably because it is holding my interest.
Well that's all, just thought I'd put it out there, maybe this will better my chances of actually getting what I want out of life.

Avoiding the T-Bar

Yep, should be doing my bookkeeping assignments, due tomorrow, yep 3 of them.
I love that my blog is always here for me when I should be doing schoolwork.

P.S Any of you ladies out there notice that working out makes you horny?
Is it related to feeling better, or could it just be pms...hmmmmmm.

So the Approach is Somewhat Lacking

Like Nicki said, for a girl with such bravado, she sure is lacking in the approach. Ok so she didn't quite say that exactly, but you get the the point. It's true, I tend to be a brazen, loud mouthed woman, unless it comes to talking to members of the opposite sex. Don't get me wrong, I have no problem with strange men, or guys who are my friends, but throw in the element of attraction and I am fucked. Sigh...how does one learn to not act like a retard whilst talking to a fellow? Crap, I fear I may have blown my big chance at my next boyfriend because I got flustered and walked away in the middle of the conversation.
Otherwise I feel pretty good this morning, considering I drank myself sober and din't get home until 3am. Why am I up so damn early then you ask, well I'll tell you. The orangutan next door was at it bright and early this morning, about 7:45am. He was bangin on the doors and walls, screaming to be let out of his cage. Ok, they don't actually keep him in a cage, but maybe they should ha ha. And he's not really an orangutan, he's an attention starved 6 year old with a mother that just wants to be left alone. I live in a duplex and my bedroom wall is also their bedroom wall. It sucks when you are trying to sleep off a hangover, or just trying to sleep in period. So yeah, I was up at 8 and I am slowly working on my 2nd cup of coffee, knowing damn well that I am going to crap out before the fat part of this day is done. All in all an ok night though, except that I am a gimp and will be kicking myself in the ass all week for my lack of verbal intercourse.

that sucked

So I just sucked up a red ponytail holder with the vacuum, oops.

Today, as many others of late was a day with a full range of emotion. Forget range of motion exercises, where do I sign up for the class on emotional health? Maybe at curves. I'm kinda pumped about the thought. Me and some of the gals from my posse went for a body analysis and measurements today. Wow, it wasn't as bad as any of us thought it would be, and I think we all walked away thinking there is hope for us yet. We regrouped afterwards for coffee and cigarettes and discussed the logistics of the program, oh yeah and chips. Sam and I snuck them across the parking lot after we left the joint, hoping that no one was watching out the window. Ha ha ha, aren't we sneaky. Double sneaky in fact. Ha ha. Change of topic.
I was starting to feel more human today, until I received an emotionless email about sealing some wine bottles I have in the basement. It was very informative, then it pissed me off. Of all the questions I have asked and wanted answers to, that was indeed not one of them. BAHHH Dealing with grief and emotional overload sucks!
Breaking up is hard to do.

Ha Ha Ha

Lookin Good George!

Yeah ummm...cause it's just one of those nights. A monday that eats like a sunday.

14 more minutes

Well, I've almost survived a really shitty valentines day, it's almost technically over, mentally it may never be, but if you ask the clock, the time is damn near up. It's been a bit of a depressing time for this here blog, the past month or so. It's also been a time of change and chaos and mental exploration. Through this I have learned a few thing:
1. You can't roll over or under things, you have to trudge through them.
2. You can want what you think you want, but it may not be what you need or get.
3. Weight loss is a great and simple side effect of mental anguish.

Started work at the funeral home this past monday, it's been a bit quiet but that's ok. I hoped for that, in fact I special requested it. I'm not sure how capable I am this week of being surrounded by other's grief, especially if it moves me. It would be selfish of me to drag my own issues onto someone elses dance floor. It's ok to let it get to you if it's for them, but not if I am sad for me, that would be disrespectful. We did have a valentines funeral today, it was quite lovely. I felt like I belonged, like people are seeing me as strangely out of place, yet somehow I look like I know what I am doing and are there for the right reasons. It feels good to have someone looking around for help, seeing me, and knowing I am there to help. Just like anything I guess, once the confidence in ability grows, it shows. That and it's a great distraction from my own reality. My favorite thing of the day was taking off in the chrysler 300 (black & chrome) to run errands on my own. Yesterday I got to take the caddy limo out for a drive in the country, on the highway, fun. I love the stature that comes with this business, looking gorgeous with great hair, all dressed up in a feminine suit, black of course, with a long wool coat, also black, driving the company vehicles, funny but yes, more black...I love the feeling.
I need to settle this shit storm down a little, how much physically can you take before you crap out? My guts are absolutely rotten. That was damn near a double entendre, or was it? Who cares. This is getting a little fat, don't want to bore my devoted fans. I'll leave you with this, it seems appropriate, given the day and all.

Happy Fricken Valentines Day

The Mourning After

Life fucking hurts sometimes.