The New Bicycle

Hailey got a new bike for his 12th birthday, and here it is. I was so excited for him to go to school today so I could take it for a spin (guilt-free). So I get all ready, and go to walk out the door with this smashing new bike, and it's fucking raining...WAHH

It's not easy being fat

Although it did seem rather easy getting that way.

Can it be blamed on the very thing that brings you this blog, or is it life after 30 combined with inactivity? Either way, it doesn't matter. The point is that it is really easy to gain weight, but really damn hard to lose and maintain it. I have figured out a few personal weaknesses though, and if only I could quit em, I'm convinced all would be well.
#1. Beer (yes I love it damnit, and no other alcoholic bev can take its place)
#2. Bread
#3. Potatoes
Proving I guess that you can take the girl off the farm, but you can't take the farm off the girls ass. ha ha ha ha ha ha

Photo courtesy of Leonard Nimoy Photography (yeah, spocks a photographer too!)

A Year in the Life - A Summary

Lisa is dead.
Nate's fucked.
Mya has no mother.
Claire had an abortion.
Ruth got remarried.
David and Keith broke up.
Brenda is celibate and clean.
And Rico, well last I saw of him he was getting a hummer from a stripper in his car.
Wow, it left me feeling quite emotional, how can I not run out and rent the entire 4th season? I began at the beginning, watching every episode, in order, one after the other. What a great fucking show it is.....
Oh yeah and Billy is in love with Brenda



Random thought of yesterday....Ladies, always wear a bra whilst cutting the grass, because you never know who's watching.

Close to Home

The ARIES March 21 - April 19
Adventurous, Energetic, Pioneering, Courageous, Enthusiastic, Confident, Dynamic and Quick-Witted
Selfish, Quick-Tempered, Impulsive, Impatient, Foolhardy and a bit of a Daredevil
Arians see themselves as consummate leaders. While they are excellent at initiating and overseeing projects, don't rely on them to be down in the pits actually getting the work done. Arians are not afraid of being on the cutting edge of things. Energetic Arians love the opportunities and challenges each new day brings.

Arians are blunt and outspoken--often to the point that more sensitive souls around them will become alienated. Arians are intrepid and aggressive. When needed, they can almost always muster the inner-strength to face any challenge. Always competitive, Arians never lose sight of what is in their best interest.

Arians are often inclined to be egotistical and domineering. They much prefer action to allowing things to settle on their own. They are never afraid to take chances or follow their impulses. When their actions fail to produce the expected results, they still pride themselves on at least trying. They love exploring new ground. Indeed they expect to be first to go anywhere new. While Arians may not be for everyone, their courage and willingness to initiate action make them an asset to any team project.

HOT BUCK DOE LURE

Yeah, so apparantly all it takes to lure me into a potentially precarious situation, is the scent of having a real house. I know this is not ideal. "A house" you may say, well that seems riduculous, and you'd probably be right. So after 3 days of near silence and isolation, I have come up with a possible solution to the dilemna. "Why not just get a freaking house then?", I says to myself (remember...isolation) Wait a minute, wait a minute, let's just back this up a wee bit. I've recently become aware of something I'd like to name "THE 30'S PANIC". You know, the one where all of a sudden you feel the need to get married and reproduce. Driven sometimes by the threat of non-reproduction, or in other cases, proving to yourself, family, friends, co-workers etc. that you are actully worth something because you are married/stable/settled down/whatthefuckever/worthy of love....So I realize yesterday, is there a valid reason for me to panic, and settle for a miserable life in exchange for the status of having a husband/house/all that crap etc? Hell no, not really! I already have my kids and don't want any more. I have a career path on the horizon. What I want is a fucking house and a satisfying career, not a world of eggshells. See how it all ties in?
Moral of the story....don't put all your eggs in one bastard, ok dear?
Well anyways it's friday night, I think I'll go scrape some boogers off the wall or something, yep, it's exciting alright.....

Oh the thinks you can think

BLOGGERS BLOCK..... or is it something else?

Ummm...Chocolate

Nice Idea But...

Damn, the poor teacher that thought this plant was a good idea for this planter...ha ha ha ha ha. Needless to say, they did remove the cacti and planted ivy in it's place before they were sent home to the parents.

Jesus Christ

And yes I know I've been a total lame-o lately when it comes to posting on this here blog. It's not that I've been uninspired, well not really, physically yes, mentally no. It's just that I have so much shit floating around in my head that it often overwhelms me to a point of complete nothingness. How can that be you wonder...yeah, it's all about the ability to harness what I am capable of creating. Life is confusing, full of fastballs. Forget to duck and you are fucked, smack, hit in the noggin.


Favorite joke of the week---what's invisible and smells like carrots?
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>bunny farts (thanks Simone)

Favorite lyric of the week--We're in a room without a door, and I am sure without
a doubt, they're gonna wanna know how we got in here, and they're gonna wanna know how we plan to get out. (thanks Ani)

It's the Darndest Thing

So I've been attending some motivational type classes this week, a program based on the workings of a man named Lou Tice. We watch video's of Lou giving lessons on how to alter the subconscious mind, how to make life changing self- affirmations of how to be all you can be and more. Funny thing is though, is that this man not only looks like W.C. Fields, but his voice and mannerisms mirror the legendary funnyman to a point that makes it hard not to laugh. It's ok though, the facilitators still seem to adore me, in fact, one of them laughs jovially at most of my quarky outbursts. It's kind of fun. The catered lunches and snacks and beverages have been fabulous, definately worth being dressed all day for. "Stay tuned, there's more to come." (Lou Tice, 2006)

Just Another Wacky Sunday

Today has been one of those days...it started out rough, real rough. Rough to the point of wanting to vomit just to feel better kind of rough. I awoke at 8 am with a headache so screaming bad I couldn't even stand to lay on it, so I got up, in search of advil and water. Aaahh, the good ol' hangover cure, normally. However, today was not a normal hangover kind of day. I went back to bed and laid there holding my aching head in my hands until about 10, then decided to try getting up one more time, still sporting a filthy headache. I made coffee, but couldn't stand the smell of it, or anything else for that matter. I was utterly naseous, wanting to puke, wanting to die, something to end the misery. So anyways, I ended up taking 2 or 3 more advil and crawling back into bed. Finally I was able to get some sleep, I slept beautifully until 1 in the afternoon. For those of you who know me well, you would know that this is no easy feat for me, I'm always up by 10 for sure. Oh what a night is all I'm going to say about that, even though the night seemed pretty mellow at the time.
Weirdness event number 2...The police showing up at my house stating that someone had called 911 from my house and hung up. Now this could happen, it's not unheard of, but, at the time of the call I just happened to be on the phone with Nicki. I looked at the timer and we had been talking for 22 minutes, when the cop radioed in to find out the time of the call, it happened while we were talking. We all just decided it was some weird cordless phone thing and they left.
Regardless of the strange day and feeling like crap for most of it, I still managed to get quite a lot done. About 8 loads of laundry, a mega load of dishes and getting the kids ready for morning. Maybe because I skipped volleyball I felt I had to compensate for the lack of activity, who knows, but it's all good.
I got a new coffee maker!!!! Finally, it's been broken for 9 days, I've been making cowboy coffee with a funnel all week, yuck. Tomorrow is looking good, simple, easy delicious coffee, a class downtown called "Thought Patterns for a Successful Career", how nice. Maybe it will help me find the motivation to get a job or something, anyways, it's a new week, a new outlook on life, and a new cup of coffee. Yay.

random thoughts for a wednesday part 2 (and yeah, I know it's Friday)

I just opened an old drawer and found some of the strangest items. I call it an old drawer and it's in an old dresser, but let me explain. It's a dresser that used to be in my bedroom, then I moved it to Jessie's empty room, and I did clean out all my underused underwear, but I didn't clean out the top drawer. It's a salute to my organizational good intentions (similar to the road to hell), and lost in time are the many necesary objects that would in fact, allow me to procede with being a more organized individual. In the drawer I found some of those little clips that you attach to the wall in order to hang a mirror, not just one pack, but two. I must have really intended to hang that damn mirror, that maybe or I just wasn't happy with my first selection and therefore went out and got more. I also saw a poncho in a pack, about 4" by 4", handy. There's a whole bunch of other crap too, but I'll save you the details. On to the next random thought...
In my basement there are a bunch of teenage boys, at least 5, but maybe 6. They are all under 19, ranging from 15-17, and they are fucked up. They are currently listening to a really cool version of "Get Back", but its done by Ludacris and Sum 41, way cool. They are really loud and obnoxious, especially Jessie, who is at the moment(I can tell by the sounds) wearing a hat, aviator glasses, and redneck teeth. There is lots of coughing and male type bragging going on. Teenage boys are weird to me. They were also surprised when I answered the knock at the door, perhaps, I said to them, you were expecting someone else? Their instant silence gave them away.
Today at the library I got the ultimate Johnny Cash book, it looks great, can't wait to read it. So why don't I go crawl into bed and read it then you ask, well, because I don't want to, so there.
I'm frustrated by my choice of who I had children with. Remember ladies, be careful who you breed with, you are going to have to put up with that shit for the rest of your life.
On a lighter note, it's Friday night, St. Patrick's day even, and here I am, posting the year's longest bloggish gibberish, well good then, I'm not Irish.

Oh What a Diverse Weekend

Slip-Per-Eey

Holy shit, welcome to Saskatchewan. Driving home tonight, after spending some time with birthday girl Samantha, holy shit is it crazy out there. Never mind that in the last week we've gotten about 4 feet of snow, but tonight it's -7 degrees and raining, yes I said raining. All the ABS's better be on their toes in the AM folks, because it's insane driving. That, coming from me must sound incredulous, for as we all know I love to drive, and can handle the worst of the worst driving situations. No, I guess it wasn't slippery enough out there, lets add some freezing rain to shake things up a bit.
And never mind that Sam and I just polished off 2 bottles of South African red wine, hers, the cabernet sauvignon, and mine the Shiraz...just never mind that part. The point is, is that it's insane on the prairies and there ain't nothing we can do to stop it. And never mind Nicola's gloating of Alberta, or Ian's insane wishes that we up and move there to "get the family together." Oye yoi yoi, what's a girl to do? And it doesn't help that the fella that currently is making my world tip on it's side lives on a highway drive somewhere that really doesn't conform to the rules of nature these days, these insane days of way too much fucking snow, and freezing rain all in the same week.....crap.

Double Whammy Anal Hairball

Yeah so I promised Nicki I would post about this so here I am, at 3:32 am on a Saturday night, talking about anal hairballs. Allow me to elaborate...you know when you are in the shower, and washing your hair? Well for me it's when I condition, but we lose hair and I don't know if it's the bubble butt, but hair tends to gather in the buttcrack. Well, as I was telling Nicki earlier, tonight I pulled out 2 that were quite momentous...Usually there is only 1, and it's usually the biggest chunk of hair stuck to the shower wall. But tonight there were 2 giant chunks of hair, and that in itself is worth mentioning.
Never mind Stan's Place with the country band and running into Bonnie & Gord and Shelley, or going to Kelly's and playing the role of mediator between the 20 year olds and drinking and smoking till the wee hours. It's all about the double anal hairball, which I wanted to name something perenial, as in stuck in the perenium, but Nicki thought that wasn't quite as funny. Oh well, I dedicate this one to anyone thats ever admitted to picking fallen hair out of their asscrack while in the shower, cheers.

The Big Day

Well here it is...

Brokeback Mountain

Sam and I went to see this movie last night....it's all about 2 gay cowboys and their relationship through the 60s thru the 80s. It's a tale of forbidden love and not being a "queer" cowboy. It was good but a little sad, it made Sam cry a few times, possibly because she can relate to the forbidden love. Surely not because she is a gay cowboy disguised as a beautiful woman...

To Hell With Em All

Poor little bunny, too bad he's a spineless little wimp.

Why do I prefer torture over sweet, healthy, loving relationships? I tend to go out of my way to find them, choosing them over anyone that seems too nice. Why take a chance on a "nice guy" when there are thousands of raging assholes to choose from? I've never liked the "nice guy", they never last more than a week in my life. The only explanation I can come up with is that I must enjoy the torture to some extent. I seem to thrive off it, even though it causes much pain and misery. It's like I can't be happy unless I am miserable, what the fuck is up with that? I get bored with "nice guys", they just don't rock the boat enough. Well, I'm in the water again, trying to stay afloat, wishing I would have worn a life jacket on this trip. Thinking maybe next time I make an attempt at trying to fall in love with a loaded gun, I'll just shoot myself in the head first.

Fuck

Nothing like an emotional jilt to remind you you're alive.
But that's what I get for allowing myself to feel too much too soon,
and with a gemini male of all things,
have I not already learned that lesson, twice?

Feeling set up to take a mighty fall
for all the men who've ever been shafted by a girl
You're indifference disturbs me
the silence harsh like a siren in the night

It's a game that we're just playing, like kittens he says,
like chasing a ball on the rebound off the wall
Turns out I'm not that playful after all.

You sleep next to me but dream of the girl next door
Fuck